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As we approach the season of goodwill, have you considered the plight of poor burglars and opportunist thieves?

Here is a quick “tongue in cheek” guide to help the criminal element around us !!

Never mind the homeless, you are seriously neglecting the drink and drugs requirements when the shops are closed over Xmas.

It was bad enough having a month of false alarm fireworks, where the drugs had not arrived to their dealer, and lines of disappointed addicts are shivering on the streets, but now they have to keep selling stolen goods to be able to sustain their habits during the family season.

You will save loads of money if you don’t use E Bay or Amazon – these people will probably deliver goods to your door for cash, while sussing if you have anything worth returning for at night time.

If you do use these delivery firms, put a clear note out where the thieves can find stored parcels, please, they can get very dirty grovelling around bins and outhouses, sheds etc.

They have complained that you are not showing wrapped presents under the early trees and decorations as yet, so they don’t know where they can make the most profit from break ins !!

How can they play Secret Santa with their friends if they haven’t stolen any presents?

They worry that you will not be leaving doors and windows unlocked for them – they are not Santa – they can’t drop down chimneys – have you seen the dry cleaning costs for burglar outfits nowadays?

If you can’t help with making viewing of sellable consumables easy, could you instead go out shopping and withdraw lots of cash from the ATM’s, and leave it in purses and wallets on top of shopping bags, please? – All easily pickpocketed items are ok for them, please leave all bags open or unattended while shopping.

Elderly relatives are ok to leave to shop on their own, as they can easily defend themselves if knocked over in shopping precincts, or robbed in the street.

Please do not lock up your Xmas charity collection tins or boxes – this slows down the black economy as it takes time and effort for them to prize them off counters.

Please ensure only big value coins have been donated – less weight for them to carry !

Can you please ready assemble all new bikes etc, so that they can use them for a quick getaway – don’t mark them with your post code, they’re not coming back to you !

If you store presents in garages and sheds, please do not lock them up, as the NHS are currently overwhelmed with treating people with cuts and lacerations – please think of the nurses at this festive time !

Don’t forget to support these poor thieves and burglars in their hour of need……

Sarcasm aside, protect your property and any vulnerable persons, if they are shopping, or just storing family Xmas presents where they can be seen and easily stolen – so many people have their festivities ruined by not making good plans in advance.

Thwart the thief and keep your Xmas merry !